Lately, when my kids are frustrated, they scream. And not just the one diagnosed with autism (though he’s the loudest), it’s all of them.

Here’s the truth: it’s tough not to scream back. Well, not at first. I can be real calm for the first five minutes. After that, the brakes come off.

Frustration tolerance, it turns out, is a lifelong developmental struggle.

Through trial (and plenty of error), I’ve realized that correction doesn’t take when emotions are high. Calm moments are when to work on frustration tolerance.

Therefore, I’ve started weaving helpful activities into our daily routine. The screaming is lessening (notice I didn’t say “gone”). Maybe these strategies can help your family, too.

Do And Don’ts

Much of this boils down to don’t be heavy-handed. This isn’t an afterschool special or a Public Service Announcement, it’s just a child and caregiver, hanging out.

• Don’t lecture (let the game speak for itself)
• Do use your own issues with frustration tolerance as examples
• No pushing, just playing
• Be silly
• Don’t do this super tired (adults or kids)
• Actively listen (the whole script, “I hear you saying…”)

Frustration Tolerance Activities by Age Group

Try some of these activities and games, tailored by age group.

They’re meant to support emotional regulation, quickly, without (many) materials, effort, or brainpower.

Toddlers (1-3 years)

At this stage, toddlers are still learning to express emotions and often feel frustrated when things don’t go their way.

Lean into asking for help, rather than taming the emotion. Kids this age are too little to learn emotional regulation. These activities are an introduction.

• Ms. or Mr. Potato Head: Use a toy like this to practice “asking for help.” For example, hand them a piece that doesn’t fit and gently guide them to request assistance through gestures or words.
• Color Sorting Game: Provide a jar and some colored pom-poms. If they struggle to fit the pom-poms in, encourage them to pause and try again with patience.
• Simple Sign Language: Teach basic signs for “help” or “more” to give them tools for expressing their needs.
• Take-a-Breath Balloon Game: Model three deep breaths as they play. Pretend to “inflate” an imaginary balloon together.

Preschoolers (3-5 years)

Preschool-aged children are asked to display developing social skills like sharing and taking turns, often leading to frustration.

The answer is to practice, practice, practice. Take any opportunity possible to initiate turn-taking, through games or day-to-day instances (“you hold the cart for two minutes, then your brother holds it for two minutes”).

Preschoolers are at an age where they can start to identify, but still not regulate, their emotions. When they feel mad, it’s “hit first, ask questions later.”

Work on identifying emotions so they are better able to yell a feelings statement than physically lash out.

• Take Turns Tower: Build a block tower together, taking turns to add pieces. If it falls, repeat phrases like “It’s okay, let’s try again,” and encourage them to do the same.
• Emotion Icebreaker Dice: Create a die with emojis or pictures representing emotions, and roll it. Ask them to name the emotion and mimic it.
• Frustration Drawing: Hand them crayons and paper. Encourage them to “draw their big feelings” whenever they feel upset.
• Pause and Try Again: Introduce games with puzzles, riddles, and other “brainteasers.” Emphasize taking breaks, deep breaths, etc, when they feel overwhelmed.

Early Elementary (6-8 years)

Children in this age group face new challenges (like independent problem solving), making this a good age to lean into resilience/perseverance. Praise the early elementary schooler’s effort more than the outcome.

Six to eight year old kids fully understand that they’re their own person, separate from their family groups. As they learn about themselves, encourage them to explore the mechanics of their emotions.

• Traffic Jam Game: A turn-taking board game (like Trouble or Sorry!) where players may have to “start over” can teach perseverance.
• Feelings Jenga: Write prompts like “What makes you mad?” or “What helps you calm down?” on Jenga blocks to start discussions if they remove that block.
• Emotion Charades: Act out feelings and have them guess (e.g., frustrated, happy), building empathy and emotional vocabulary.

Middle Elementary (9-11 years)

With newfound self-knowledge, middle elementary kids can reflect on their emotions and learn strategies to manage frustration.

And their taste in games is changing. These are sit-down activities, with more talking and less…finger puppets.

• Write and Reflect: Ask them to write down frustrating situations, in various ways: as a story, a comic, a Venn diagram, on the computer or on paper or a craft, and discuss.
• Problem-Solving Race: Create a problem-solving activity (e.g., a scavenger hunt). Give them limited clues and time it to practice patience and resourcefulness.
• The Pause Game: Act out emotional scenarios and incorporate pauses where players must stop and imagine an alternative reaction to a frustrating scenario.

Tweens (12-13 years)

Tweens can practice more advanced skills like identifying triggers or collaborating with others to resolve challenges.

But don’t expect too much, either (hey, rapidly changing hormones impair thinking).

• Frustration Trigger Tracker: Help them create a list of their “triggers” and link each trigger to a coping mechanism (e.g., breathing deep when an argument arises).
• Role Reversal Game: Swap roles where they play a “parent” or “teacher” needing patience, and you play the “frustrated child.”
• 3-Step Pause Practice: Teach them this rule to use when frustrated:
• Stop and take three deep breaths.
• Name the emotion they’re feeling.
• Decide on their next step calmly.

Non-Speaking Children

For children with limited speech, exposing them to triggers gently and teaching alternative methods of expression (like simple sign language or modeled gestures) can make a world of difference.

Here are some articles I’ve written about it:

• Increasing Frustration Tolerance of Non-verbal Toddler
• Communication Activities and Games for Nonverbal Toddlers
• How to Talk with a Nonverbal Child

Conclusion

Building frustration tolerance is a gradual process, combining patience, empathy, and structured activities. Consistency is key if your child struggles with frustration (and who doesn’t?).

Adjust these activities to match your children’s engagement level; incorporate opportunities to pause, reflect, and express.

Remember, the focus is on progress, not perfection.

Happy playing!

Love,