Modern society has a problem regarding criticism. No, it’s not that we’re too nasty or divisive or strident (though, of course, those things are true, too).
It’s the opposite tendency I find worrisome: a seemingly rising inability to criticize things that we like. But all kinds of things that we like, are affiliated with, and do, are worthy of criticism.
It’s not as if we or our interests and affections are the denominators that change that, regardless of what our heuristics tell us.
On the surface, this problem doesn’t make sense or seem important (“why criticize something I like, shouldn’t we criticize ‘bad’ things?”), but that’s not true. Allow me to explain.
Why It’s Hard To Criticize Things We Hold Dear
It’s not because we are stupid, or weak. It’s because we are human.
Internal (heuristics, a weak sense of identity) and external conditions (late stage capitalism and computer technology) have created an environment where it’s hard to question, let alone criticize, our own preferences.
A Perfect Storm
We are at a unique place in history, due to the saturation of social media/The Internet and late-stage Capitalism. This perfect, modern storm encourages permeability between what we like/identify with/think/do/buy and who we are.
That permeability makes it very difficult to criticize things that we feel involved with. Therefore, that permeability (and the difficulty to criticize) is encouraged. And it’s dangerous.
Let’s start with a more neutral illustration: musical genres, what we hope our preferences say about us, and how we use consumerism in hope of influencing the perception of others.
Musical Genre As An Example
I love female singer-songwriters, subversive rock and roll, and disrupting hip-hop. By liking and (especially by) publicizing my love of those musical genres, I’m hoping to project an air of good taste, lyricism, and rebellion.
There are so many ways for me to project my (hoped for) air! I can buy T-shirts and water bottles and keychains and tattoos and other goods from brands that “align” with me, my music preferences, and (therefore) my attitude.
It’s insulting when my very favorite song, artist, or style of music are insulted. Because that means me and my projected image are also being criticized.
Now, replace musical genre with other “identifiers,” especially those regarding political, ideological, and socio-economic groups.
The Curse of Consumerism
Encouraging us to buy things to project internal attributes means, in 2025, that there are so many things that we can buy!
If I want you to understand that I’m a devil-may-care, free-spirited woman, I can spend time picking the most appropriate band t-shirt, or doing my hair just-so, or displaying the right (in my case, probably, “my other car is a Joyce Carol Oates fever dream!!”) bumper sticker, to project that image.
And think of all the things I could buy, ways I could structure my time around, and media I can consume (remember, attention is currency in The Fourth Industrial Revolution!), solely based on the need of projecting certain attributes!
Well, not solely, of course. And most of the time, unconsciously. But we’re all victims of this blurring between consumption and projecting. Cuz of heuristics.
The Curse of Heuristics
This permeation between cultural tenets/consumer trends/etc, and ourselves is natural (and further engineered by the powers that be).
I do it as much as you do, as much as all of us do. You know why? Because we’re all at the mercy of heuristics.
Heuristics (in the psychological sense) are mental shortcuts that human brains use to make efficient decisions.
And heuristics do save brain power. Too bad they’re often very, very wrong. One that drives our inability to criticize things we like is called Exceptionalism.
Exceptionalism: “Yeah, But Not Me”
We’re a victim of Exceptionalism when we know what the experts say about blue light and cicada rhythm disruption, but continue nightly doom scrolls, telling ourselves (consciously or not), “that happens to other people, not me.”
Replace the blue light example with:
- Texting While Driving
- Eating Ultra-Processed Food
- All Forms and Levels of Propaganda
- Lack of Sleep
- Etc, etc ad nauseum
Modern society, consumerism, and heuristics are why it’s hard to criticize our appreciated entities. But why is our reluctance to do so a problem?
The Problem With Not Criticizing What One Likes
An inability to criticize what one likes isn’t a shallow problem. This failure leads to our (further) collective exploitation.
The establishment understands that if they couch products, laws, ideas, etc, in ways that certain demographics like, appreciate, or understand, they can get away with murder (uh, literally, ask fruit companies).
Here’s a story that illustrates this tendency on a micro-level, where “attachment parenting,” represents a caregiving style, as an indicator of internal attributes, and consumer goods.
The (Almost) Hateful Email
In the summer of 2023, I received what was supposed to be (admittedly, by her) an angry email. She was responding to my “Non-Reactive Parenting in the Fourth Trimester” article.
No, that’s not true. She confessed that she started the email before she actually read the article.
She was actually responding to my criticism of attachment parenting (I briefly poked a little fun at attachment parenting in my caption to the article and in my Stories).
This lady made a common mistake: because she had a baby in the first fifteen years of the twenty first century, she was heavily exposed (through the internet, the zeitgeist, etc) to attachment parenting.
Because she was heavily exposed to attachment parenting and liked what she saw (which isn’t wrong!), she utilized aspects of attachment parenting.
Because she used aspects of attachment parenting, she considered herself an Attachment Parent. And (here’s the kicker) because I criticized attachment parenting, I was therefore criticizing her.
The “Criticizing Something I Like Is The Same As Criticizing Me” Pipeline
This attitude is as prevalent as it is incorrect. In the preceding paragraphs, one thing leads to another.
But they don’t have to.
The powers that be sure want them to, though.
The stronger that people identify with societal tropes or labels or groups or systems, the easier it is to sell them things (“you’re not a REAL Attachment Parent if you don’t buy this expensive co-sleeping arrangement or organic pouch food or wooden toy”).
Replace “Attachment Parenting” With Any Other Word
For instance:
- Foodie
- Pro-Wrestling Enthusiast
- Crunchy Parent
- Democrat
- Health Nut
- Empath
- Bibliophiles
- Yoga Participant
- Jeep Owner
- Good Ol’ Boy
These are labels we can feel kinship towards; meaning when they’re criticized, we lose our minds.
When someone says, “pro wrestling isn’t real!” or “Joyce Carol Oates is overrated!” or “Democrats are pretending that our Oligarchical (with totalitarianism tendencies) governmental system is a brand new thing and not something they’ve been complicit with for decades.”
It’s like someone saying that we are fake, or overrated, or complicit. Even though it shouldn’t be.
They Know
The tendency to do the above is natural. I do it. You do it. We all do it.
Because corporations know this (you wouldn’t believe what they spend on think tanks, consumer testing, food scientists, Cognitive Behavioral Therapists, and the like), they weaponize this tendency.
Society is encouraged to absorb culturally and historically subjective trends into our identities, so we’ll buy things to project attributes.
To be fair, this wasn’t as possible or pervasive until recently (thanks, Fourth Industrial Revolution!). We’re in new territory, and we aren’t prepared.
Criticizing My Darlings
To circumvent this manipulation, let all tongues confess (criticize their affiliations).
Please, allow me to go first.
Because this article is about the importance of criticizing things I like, I’m not going to offset every negative thing with: “but I like this aspect/if this was different/in other circumstances, etc.”
There will be little nuance.
Criticizing Movements I Like
I use the word “movement” loosely; it could be physical clubs, online cultures, or appreciators of certain parts of the Zeitgeist, in which I feel involved.
Slow/Gentle/Attachment Parenting Movements:
You can’t buy your way (or consume content) to emotional regulation or well-adjusted children, dear.
And it’s…counterintuitive to be, “hold on, honey, I’ll do that activity with you in a minute, Mommy’s reading her eighth article of the day about childhood development and signing you up for a Polish Sign Language class.”
Cancel Culture:
“Cancel culture” is watered-down retributory, meant to appease the neutered masses (who view media consumption the same as political action) of an unjust world.
“Cancel culture” is another weapon in the class war arsenal. And it only works against us poors.
Think of all the “cancelled” public figures: they may have (temporarily) lost views and media coverage, but they rarely get hit where it hurts: their wallets.
Meanwhile, us poor slobs lose jobs left and right. Yes, most times deservedly so. That’s also true with the celebrities. But regular people are the only true Cancel Culture Casualties.
Yet I continue to buy into cancel culture, knowing that it’s both fake and ineffective! It feels good to call people out. It’s the Middle Ages villager in me, hypnotized by the flames that burn the witch, jeering and posturing.
Defaming Celebrities I Admire and Enjoy
Taylor, I need you to understand that it was painful to criticize you. But it’s the principle of the thing.
Mel Robbins:
It now makes sense that you dedicated a section in your newest book, Let Them, to hypothetical accusations of plagiarism.
You got in front of that story like a Kardashian, knowing you were sticky-fingered in your “discovery” of The Let Them Theory.
Believe me, I understand the allure, ease, and pleasure of regurgitating information. But you’ve got to tell people where you learned it, lest…this happens.
Taylor Swift:
Years ago, Swift learned that another pop star had been gossiping about how “calculated” she was. And she found that offensive.
Only a successful woman is called calculated, a man is labelled savvy, Taylor groused.
While that’s true, Miss Thing, it doesn’t mean you beat the charges. It’s dumb and disingenuous to outrun the “calculated” assignation. Because you are.
Same with the nepo baby allegations. While Andrea and Scott weren’t musicians, you can’t deny that their money, time, and resources were decisive factors in getting you to where you are today.
(Also: I don’t believe for a second that your transition to pop was happenstance. That was the plan from the beginning.)
Roasting Goods That Make Me Happy
Just because I consume it doesn’t mean it’s good, helpful, or true.
The United States Supreme Court granted corporations the same legal rights as people (in a nutshell).
You better believe that status has been (purposely) filtered throughout the Zeitgeist, so that we take it personally when our friends (aka, brands/products we consume) is questioned or defamed.
Cadbury Eggs:
If regular eggs contained twenty-six grams of sugar, I’d be dead by now. The surface area of a Cadbury Egg is deceptively small, and the shape vaguely healthy, so it’s easy to eat a pack in one sitting.
During the Easter season, Cadbury isn’t an occasional treat. The scarcity of this candy makes me act like a Gremlin during the spring quarter.
A pack of Cadbury Eggs contains 130 grams of sugar, which I inhale in five minutes. Little cancer, hypertension, and diabetes bombs, that’s what they are.
And I call myself health-conscious? Not in the months of March and April, I guess.
Beauty products:
Speaking of health consciousness, please ask me about the horrible ingredients and additives of ultra-processed foods. Awesome, let me rant for the next ten minutes.
Now ask me about the poisonous aspects of beauty products. Watch me splutter, turn red, and tightly grip my endocrine disruptors.
The same arguments I mount towards Big Food are more than applicable to Big Beauty.
But, God forbid, don’t ask me to give up, protest the manufacture, or look too closely into the labor practices of my favorite makeup, skincare, fragrance, or body care products.
Clothes That Look Great On The Body Type I Wish I Was:
It’s one thing to want a different body type, or to lose weight, get healthier, etc. But to buy a piece of clothing in the hope that you will look like the model, is sheer folly.
High waisted pants are my kryptonite. Why do I own four pairs?? No matter the color or (fast fashion) brand, they are never going to look good on me.
Sure, I’m tall (like the model I’m admiring); but I’m an endomorph, and more apple-shaped. I’m not a body type that looks good in high waisted styles. And buying more unflattering clothes won’t change that.
Besmirching Things I Actively Do
Do as I say, not as I do. Cuz I be doing dumb stuff.
Participating in the Beauty Community:
Oh noooo, are you gonna die some day? And, even worse, will you age beforehand? Perhaps experience an inevitable loss of function, autonomy, and societal prestige?
Better throw money towards at best, ineffective; and, at worst, deleterious products. And maybe I don’t buy all the things, but I participate in all the discourse.
I watch all the beauty content videos, and read all the beauty content articles, remaining a firm pillar propping up a terribly harmful system.
Hacking My Way to Health (or Health Optimization):
Being healthy is great. It takes conscientious planning, with hard and consistent work. But I don’t liiiike hard and consistent work. Are there ways to…hack this whole thing?
It’s not that I’m weak for being scared of death and aging, it’s more that I’m stupid because I secretly hope that the right combination of supplements, exercise equipment, or courses can stop them.
There’s nothing I can do to halt aging and death. But if you saw all the pills and tinctures in my medicine cabinet, you wouldn’t believe that.
Assuming the Worst:
I do this more about people, than situations; and it’s being uncharitable. I wasn’t convinced of this until reading C.S. Lewis’ thoughts on the subject, which struck me to my core.
Yet, every day, I catch myself assuming the worst about those I love and humanity in general.
Denouncing Groups I Consider Myself A Member Of
Not criticizing a group just because I happen to be member? That’s a weakness I can’t abide.
Swifties:
Look, she’s not some demigod. But you’d never know it by the way Swifties act.
There’s no good reason to own more than one copy of her album! They’re just different colors, maybe with unique liner notes, or a “surprise song” that I’ll be able to stream in a few months.
I call myself a class warrior as I clap and squeal over her earnings: “Yaaas, girl become a billionaire! Looove that for you!”
Non-Reactive Parents:
Are you not reacting to your feelings? Or are you ignoring and/or dissociating from them? Depends on the day and situation, really!
Elderly Millennials:
Oh, is adulting hard? Did some teacher in the ’90’s tell you how special you are and you’ve been chasing that feeling in other people, groups, and systems in later life?
How niche, how difficult, how interesting. Better dedicate a whole website to your thoughts and practices.
Denigrating My Own Thoughts
Ah, heuristics at work. They’re just like belly buttons, we all have them. These haunt my day-to-day impressions.
“That ‘Other’ is dangerous:”
By “other,” I mean divergent: any person or population that speaks, dresses, labors, thinks, and/or looks differently from me (or what I am used to).
Distilled into it’s simplest element, that thought about the “other,” is the heuristic of Tribalism. It is as responsible for the heinous (genocide), as it is for the mundane (why my favorite podcasts feature lady comedians).
And I am a victim of Tribalism, every single day. Despite how much money I donate to the ACLU.
“Yeah, but not me:”
I pride myself on knowing the details of the latest studies, think pieces, books, journal articles, and more.
But that knowledge doesn’t do jack for me. I can know everything in the world (and think I do!), but if I won’t heed the wisdom, I’m just a horse.
You know. The one that was led to water and wouldn’t drink. Thanks to Exceptionalism, I always think I’m the exception to the rule (get it?).
Have a seat and let me talk about all the measurable effects of propaganda, then I’ll tell you all about how I’m immune to it (lies).
“How things are is how things will (and should!) stay:”
I’m old enough to have definite “before and after” moments in my life: health scares, the birth of my children, the loss of loved ones, and meeting my husband.
Therefore, you think I’d understand that nothing stays the same, and that they can change in an instant. But I don’t, due to the heuristic (delusion) of continuity!
That’s why I can slump into dejection, “knowing” that the bad thing won’t change, or flare with temporary ecstasy, “certain” that good things will continue.
Nothing is certain. Nothing is known. Lightning bolts (literal and figurative) often come from nowhere, and no amount of reading, ruminating, or worrying will change that.
Poking Fun at Ideological Groups and Tenets That I Subscribe To
Belonging to an ideological group or believing in an ideological tenet feels extra personal, as it involves thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
This triple participation whammy shuts down rational thought, especially the reception or dishing of criticism.
Political Independents:
A surfeit of knowledge does not a revolution make.
I have to get off the clouds of academia and into the trenches; working alongside, discussing policy, and cooperating happily with everyone, regardless of how they’ve been manipulated by their ideological group.
Cuz God knows I’ve been manipulated, too.
Not belonging to a political party feels superior, but it’s a weak fire (cold, and lonely).
Stoics:
Stoicism only works for wealthy ancient Greeks or modern-day, middle-class Westerners. In other words, two relatively privileged groups.
Global poverty (as opposed to American poverty) issues cannot be resolved, let alone lessened, by an attitude adjustment.
But I don’t know anything about that, do I? I’m battling inertia and a negative disposition, not a lack of clean water or trafficking.
Intellectuals:
Am I studying my feelings, that catastrophe, or economic trend? Or am I using thinking (i.e., intellectualization) to distance myself from their real-life effects?
It’s almost certainly the latter.
Conclusion
I aim to show that it’s ok-well, not ok-but neutral and necessary to criticize everything: what you believe in and what you don’t, what you like and what you despise, what you do and what you shun, everything should be fair game.
And if it’s not, if you continue to shelter (not criticize) your darlings (your actions, group memberships, thoughts, etc), prepare to be manipulated.
Want More?
Check out these other musings:
Happy deconstructing!
Love,
