Know how they say you can’t pour from an empty cup? It’s a nice sentiment, but too vague and frou-frou for me. I need logic, not metaphors.
This is more my language: Nothing in life can be done optimally, not for ourselves, not for our families, and not for our world, without the bottom level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs being “filled in.”
So how does one do that, fill and conquer each level? (Spoiler alert: we never do, it’s the striving to just keep filling in that counts).
Trying to nail this stuff (the perpetual work) without support ends in burnout (at best). You need a crew.
That’s why I’m so excited to announce my new Facebook community: Low Down Habits with Ish Mom. We are all about systems over moods and getting ish done together. (Click here to skip the reading and just join the group!)
Physiological Needs
The most basic of basics, this is the level where we treat ourselves like a houseplant. And what do we need? Nourishing food, water, rest, sunlight, and a pot to grow in (notice I didn’t say a “great” or even “adequate” pot, just a pot).
This is the boring stuff of self-management, habit change, and community work, involving things like sleep hygiene, glucose, and hydration. It’s not flashy, not the kinda thing you throw up on Instagram. Things like making lists, organizing new supplies, and downloading meditation apps are much sexier.
That’s ok, we’re not trying to be chic. This is the level of grunt work, like shoveling coal into the furnace. We can be sexy further up on the pyramid.
But we can’t get further up the pyramid without filling in this bottom level. And, because this grunt work is rather boring, it should be on autopilot (more on that in an upcoming article and posts).
Safety Needs
This is the level where the pot starts to matter. In this analogy, “pot” refers to our immediate environments: home life, work life, close family members, and friends.
We’re still plants, but like… super rare, high-quality orchids. And since we’ve been steadily filling in the bottom level, it’s time to focus on the pot.
- Are our homes (reasonably) calm and safe? Do we feel comfortable? Is the soil right?
- What about work?
- How about setting boundaries?
Learn About It, Let It Go, Or Leave It
If any of those areas are lacking, it’s time to decide: learn about it (with an eye towards change/improvement), let it go, or leave it.
Learning could be as simple as decluttering some drawers or optimizing sleep hygiene, or as hard as taking courses or listening to podcasts, or as difficult as having conversations about said boundaries.
Letting go will involve lots of internal work and (probably) therapy. It’s not something that just happens.
Leave it mean walking away from whatever “it” is. Could be getting a new job, moving out of a dilapidated house, or ending a destructive relationship.
Belongingness and Love Needs
Maslow’s third level is about optimizing romantic partnerships, familial relationships (being a parent, being an Adult Child, being a sibling, all of it), and friendships.
But, in the twenty-first century, there’s a new element: our consumption habits. What’s your algorithm like?
- What are you watching?
- What are you reading?
- How’s your attention span?
- How correlated is your self-esteem/regard to internet validation (don’t be ashamed to admit this, it’s not our fault that in this day and age everyone’s is, at least a little bit)?
Happy Little Trees
To stay with the botanical analogy, at this level, we’re trees. And it’s time to turn attention downward: towards symbiotic root systems.
What and who is feeding you, under *your* ground? What and who is contributing to your root system? And how can we move from being “fed” or receiving “contributions” to being nourished?
This involves taking a deeper look at our intimate relationships. No, I’m not telling everyone to leave their friend groups or get a divorce. Hey, maybe you’re the one doing stuff wrong, I dunno. Now’s the time to find out.
These levels get progressively harder, and what’s hard about this level is the subjectivity. I mean, I can recommend that you don’t hang out with narcissists, or watch tons of explosion videos, but only you can answer how your algorithm and your relationships make you feel. And decide what to do about it.
Esteem Needs
We’re abandoning the houseplant analogy. The last two levels are about interacting with and contributing to advanced organisms (society as a whole), systems (workplace strictures, local government, nation states, etc.), and ideals (cooperation, thinking of how others perceive us, etc).
It’s also time to talk, openly, about social capital (something that gives my most Midwestern inner-self the ick). The Esteem Needs level is where we consciously work to accumulate it.
I’m not advocating Machiavellism. But I am giving you permission to be more calculated. Social capital is important, not just “climbing the ladder,” but for overall feelings of well-being and positive mental health.
And let’s not forget the second half! In this level, we’re looking not just to accumulate, but also to contribute. (We’re healed enough, having reached this level, to start to think of wider contribution, you know the whole saying of “secure your air mask before anyone else’s).
In this fourth level, we’re thinking about joining clubs and charities (social, professional, or otherwise), utilizing community resources (attending local activities, shopping local businesses, etc), volunteering our money and time to local organizations, writing thank-you letters, checking on neighbors, etc.
Self-Actualization
We can only reach our full potential when we are at our healthiest: physically, emotionally, mentally, and finally, relationally.
Only a (relatively) calm, healthy, and happy life can yield time and space for journaling, self-education, doing art, intensive therapy/self-exploration, and the like.
The cool thing about this level? We’ve relatively conquered the preceding ones! The uncool thing? We will never, ever, ever completely conquer this level.
(Lamb Chop voice) This is the work that never ends!
It Only Looks Selfish and Easy
The top seems lonely and too focused on the self, but don’t be fooled. We wouldn’t even be here without the help given by individuals and systems in prior levels.
Another way that this level is deceptive is that things like (positive or neutral) rumination, painting, dancing, or yapping can look easy/lazy (like, it involves a lot of sitting) or “frivolous” (think, “ain’t no son of mine joining a vaudeville troupe, you come home and farm!”) to others.
But they’re wrong. It’s the hardest work of our lives.
I Want To Go To There
Don’t those upper levels sound wonderful? Or, at least, more rewarding to work on? Are the payoffs more immediate and visible?
But we can’t get near that work without having a stable base. Without base ministration, the whole pyramid crumbles. Even the Sphinx no longer has a nose, you know? Anything crumbles with time and will deteriorate more without attention and caretaking.
We have to concentrate on the lower levels of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Really intensely at first, and less as time goes on, but they can never leave our attention.
None of this maintenance work is sexy or fun or glamorous. But! In the Long Game (the only game worth playing), it leads to the biggest return on investment.
Back To The Beginning (Or Base)
The biggest hurdle is simply understanding the principle of nurturing the first level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, first and above all else, so you stop beating yourself up for being “bad” at habit change.
You’re not bad at habit change. You’re just going about it backwards.
The next hurdle is establishing routines that trip “automation” sequences, designed to set us up for stable base success.
The final hurdle? Getting used to trying (and failing) for the rest of our lives!
Community Can Help
Those are tall orders. But I think a tribe can help (especially mine, cuz y’all are SMART)!
That’s why I created Low Down Habits with Ish Mom.
It’s an online space (Facebook group) to build a community that supports, reminds, encourages, and actively brainstorms ways to implement daily “fill-in” activities (and the personal systems that support them).
Low Down Habits Group Values (or, the 3 C’s and 3 F’s)
This is what we focus on in LDH, and how we do it:
- Collaboration
- Corroboration
- Community
- Foundations Over Moods; Systems Over Instances
- Focus on Menopause (All Stages)
- Fun
Conclusion
Need an actionable item for today? Join Low Down Habits with Ish Mom, and “hang out” with like-minded individuals.
In that group (and an upcoming article), we’ll brainstorm ways to endure, enjoy, automate, and complete (90% of the level, 80% of the time) the perpetual “sand-bagging” of the all-important first level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
Want More?
Check out these First Level Affirming articles:
- My Habit Change Story
- A Mom’s Back-to-School Self-Care Ideas
- 50+ Healthy After School Snack Ideas for Kids
Happy ballasting!
Love,
