Picture this: You’re calmly navigating a toddler tantrum in a bustling bistro. Silverware is flying, heads are turning. You’re holding your ground, practicing Non-Reactive Parenting with all your might.
Suddenly, a voice cuts through the chaos. A stranger, perhaps, or maybe a well-meaning relative. Their words sting with judgment, laced with accusations of permissiveness or outdated parenting styles.
We’ve all been there. That familiar, condescending tone. Those unsolicited opinions. It’s an unfortunate side effect of choosing Non-Reactive Parenting. Even with unwavering support from loved ones, we all sometimes face criticism from those who don’t understand.
Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Let’s dive into practical strategies to handle Non-Reactive Parenting naysayers with grace and confidence.
Who It’s Hard For
While readers have complained about people from all walks of life, two groups are overwhelmingly mentioned: Boomers and men.
Yeah, yeah, that’s a stereotype. But I’ll let you know when a reader writes of their Gen X mother angrily questioning Non-Reactive Parenting.
So.
Why It’s Hard
Some have a hard time with two Non-Reactive Parenting concepts:
- You can only control yourself. The only person you can control is yourself (internal locus of control)
- Anger doesn’t (and shouldn’t) equal punishment
Let’s Help!
…By unpacking the baggage surrounding the above three statements. To really drive this metaphor into the ground, I’ll list what’s in the suitcases.
It’s misunderstandings, conditioning, and cognitive biases.
But that’s ok. We’ll help the Negative Nancys take these items out, examine them, fold them, and (hopefully) put them away.
Let’s start with redefining weakness.
Redefine Weakness
For millennia, older generations have criticized the next generation for being weak. Our time is no different, intensified by the influence of the Internet.
As an Elderly Millennial, I’ve heard my fair share of (societal) digs about needing a safe place, being a triggered sky-screamer, etc.
Look, the trope is fun. I love a good joke about not making phone calls! But it’s false. Societal ideas about strength and weakness are all messed up.
I mean, yes, good Lord, schedule your own doctor appointments. But the ability to make a phone call does not a strong constitution make.
The ability to regulate your emotions does.
Lack of Emotional Regulation is Actual Weakness
Steer your Negative Nancy to the inverse of that: therefore, a lack of emotional regulation is weakness.
The inability of an adult to control their emotional state (or at the very least to control what they do in the emotional state they find themself in) is actual weakness.
Society does not reward or teach emotional regulation.
We’ve been taught that reacting in anger is powerful. Counteract that societal message by pointing out that internal control is strength.
Reframe Strength
Explain that true strength is exemplified through patience and control rather than reactive outbursts.
Emphasize that reacting with anger often leads to further conflict and misunderstandings, while maintaining composure fosters a more positive environment.
Remind them that the focus is on modifying the child’s behavior, not an opportunity for an alleged adult to vent their emotions.
The bottom line? (Negative Nancys looove a bottom line.) It’s more likely to gain compliance in a calm environment.
Because yelling is not calm, adults must use internal strength to stay calm and deal with the situation.
Those who yell and lose control are simply weak.
What to Say when Faced with Parenting Criticism
We’ve talked about the things to say, now let’s talk about how to say them.
Principle #1: Stay Calm
First and foremost, remain calm. Do not raise your voice, sigh, or gesture expansively. After all, non-reactive parenting is about maintaining composure.
It’s human nature to be defensive and to take it personally when parenting is discussed, let alone criticized. It’s an emotion-laden subject. Acknowledge that reality and resist.
By staying collected, these encounters are transformed into teachable moments for ourselves, our kids, and for the naysayers themselves.
Every interaction (especially one that starts off thorny!) is an opportunity to educate others about Non-Reactive Parenting and internal mastery, without engaging in conflict.
Principle #2: Modeling
They’re also an opportunity to model dealing with differing opinions and conflicts calmly. Others need to see confrontations handled with patience and understanding, especially children.
Seeing this process will serve them well in future interactions.
By staying calm, using the moment as a chance to educate, and then modeling positive conflict resolution, naysayers are managed while the core principles of non-reactive parenting are enforced.
Principle #3: Don’t Let Them Win (aka Spite)
Alright, let’s step away from all these good and pure reasons about the importance of staying calm. As a last (or a first, I won’t judge) resort, stay calm out of spite.
I know you’re angry at this blowhard, but yelling back or being mean to them is letting them win. Don’t try to debate your child or their behavior with a Negative Nancy. That is also letting them win.
Calmly steer the naysayer toward the key to Non-Reactive Parenting, that is, adult behavior.
The Tone In Which To Say It
There are two ways to “steer,” engaging exploration or derisive explanation.
In other words, the nice and the not-so-nice way.
The Nice Way
Many simply haven’t thought about strength and weakness in this way. They’ve never heard of an internal locus of control or been rewarded for controlling their outbursts.
Educate them.
Smile warmly. Make some jokes. This approach remains, at best, lightly comical, and at worst, neutral.
If they continue to display a lack of emotional regulation, make fun, go against your instructions, etc., try another approach.
The Not-So-Nice Way
Alright. The naysayer is unreceptive. Take the gloves off and straight up mock them.
Take what was lightly comical and make it cutting. Absolutely roast them for their inability to regulate their emotions.
“You can’t keep your cool when a kid screams about turning off their screen? Are you trying to tell me that you think two tantrums will resolve this??”
(A nice way to say that comes from a reader, writing that they say, “How can we honestly expect a young child to regulate their emotions right now when we, as adults, aren’t even doing it well?”)
They will probably sputter things like, “But, but…[child’s behavior]!!” Do not let them. Make it about their behavior.
Cuz they’re the adult (i.e., the only person with the mental capacity to regulate their emotions).
You CANNOT ask a child to keep calm in the face of adversity if you cannot model that behavior yourself. I’m sorry. That’s a cold, hard truth.
And when men and Boomers are unable to accept that truth, mock them for being mentally weak snowflakes.
Conclusion
Engaging with naysayers constructively reinforces commitment to non-reactive parenting and may enlighten those who question it.
Remember, not everyone will understand or agree with Non-Reactive Parenting, and that’s okay.
As our parenting journey expands, let’s embrace these challenges as opportunities for growth and reaffirmation of our dedication to raising well-adjusted, resilient individuals.
Want More?
- From Chaos to Connection: The Power of Non-Reactive Parenting
- Non-reactive vs. Gentle Parenting
- How to Deal with Difficult People Using Non-Reactive Parenting Techniques
- How to Deal with Trolls on Social Media
You Tell Me!
How do you deal with clashes over parenting styles? Let me know in the comments.
Happy Non-Reactiveness!
